Saturday, October 30, 2010

A littler more about me

I haven't posted much lately. I've been dealing with some haunting personal issues. When I was a kid I never was interested in doing much homework. I didn't want to do much of anything that was repetative. Once I did something it was done and there was no argument about it. When I learned something in school I learned it well. I had almost an idetic memory for semantic information. So when my teacher started teaching the same lessons in third grade as I had already learned the year before in second, I let her know we already learned that stuff last year.

The other students disagreed but I was sure some of them had been sitting right next to me the year before. I could tell you all about it. It was a skilled task I could perform or it was some kind of fact I could recite. So as the school year dragged on I became less and less interested in anything. I wouldn't do homework. Except mathematics and science homework. I was allowed to work on those subject at my own pace. As a result forth grade was even harder. It seemed to be pretty much everything I had already learned being taught over and over again. With a minor changes to the version of American History they were teaching this year. I couldn't manage to sit there and listen to the review that seemed to be set up for the students who weren't able to learn what they were supposed to already know last year and the year before.

I completely lost interest. Not that I didn't enjoy learning. I was the kind of kid who watched nature shows or the news rather than pro wrestling or sit coms. I took up playing video games by the time I was ten I had mastered every game for the old 8 bit NES. I found some of them quite challenging. Way more stimulating than school work. I had a nac for systematically exploring and finishing games. By the time I was 12 I had played 300 or so games from start to finish. The gave me some skills I would take with me to adulthood and actually use in at some kind of job. Games also inspired me to be something.

Asside from reading the dictionary like it was some kind of novel the only book I picked up a biography of Bo Jackson which I read cover to cover. Everything else I could pick up from educational TV or at that time my encyclopedia set. There wasn't internet back then it was about the time MACs came out. I didn't find computers to useful any math I had to do I could do in my head. Computer games sucked next to the Newer video game systems Sega Genesis, NEO GEO, SNES, and the other 16 bit game systems were coming out. I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I was going to work with video games. I really liked games. I liked when my friends at school would talk about the new games they were playing. Then I would have to play the game and finish it. I typically would rent a video game one after school one day and play it from start to finish before I went to bed around 10 pm. No I didn't do any homework. There wasn't much point in it. I got As on pretty much all of my tests. I scored in the 99th percentile in math, vocabulary, science, and pretty in pretty much every other subject.

The school district decided to put me into the talented and gifted program. I think the term talented and gift is kinda wierd because those to words mean the same thing just in different languages. Call me crazy but anyway. I met some other kids who were more like me. Some kinda nerdy, some regular, and some who were outcasted like me. I chose that though. I never cared for autority figures. I still don't. The idea that someone less intelligent than myself making decisions that will effect my future never quite sat right with me. If being normal meant submitting myself to false moral teaching of supersticious people or to authority of incompetant people I was going have no part of it.

I found the monster of social control my greatest adversary at about age 12-13. People will pretty much do whatever other people want them to do. Maybe for lack of personal courage or moral resolve or simply becuase they don't know any better. Whatever the reason, people are pretty fucked up. I don't really want much to do with most of them.

On to high school. By then people are pretty much ultra fucked up by social norms and peer stresses. Teenage girls are not the sweet little princesses they once were but insecure overly emotional wrecks of people. Teenage boys are just about the same.
Teenages are hormonally driven. The mental developement and personal discipline that should have been developed in childhood isn't there. They have no direction or purpose other than to fit and do what everybody else is doing. So I figure fuck this shit I'm getting a goddamn GED. So I did. Then I went to work doing whatever I could.
I joined the military later. Went to college for a bit. But I can't help but think there was something selected me out from everyone.

It wasn't so much society selecting me out, Noone ever had the authority to do so. I was selecting out the things I didn't like about the world around me. Setting myself asside. Waiting for people like me to come along. It was a lonely life. I had failed relationships an took to binge drinking on the weekends. One night stands were a pretty common thing for me. I lived out of my car and couldn't really hold down a job. With the kind of jobs I could get I wasn't to happy to be there. I'd learn the skills in a couple of weeks then get bored and start working somewhere else. It just seemed to work out for me. Everything was boring.

I took up art a few months back as a way to express part some part of me that was neglected. I realized I was just aquiring another skill. A few more for skills collection. Why in the fuck don't any of those skills pay? Well I'm just not normal. Normal people don't know how deal with me. People aren't going to put me to work when they don't know how to relate to me. All people have to do in communicate but they don't. So I don't. I don't make small talk. What I do talk about involves mountains of facts and complex concepts that most people just don't understand.

I quit my shitty labor job because my boss there is shitbag. The guy who will do just about anything to save money. Cheap motherfucker. The thing that really pissed me off about it was safety issues. The fact that he would cut corners on safety to save a buck. I had two time loss injuries in three months. Just felt like a complete shitbag when I went to work everyday anyway. I feel left out of social situations. Like life is a big party that noone invited me too. Don't neccessarily want to go just be invited. Like fuck. Am I ever going to be accepted by society as anything other than a fucking scrub who works for shit pay and treated like a disposable piece of shit.

For all I care I might as well walk out into the forest and build a nice hut and trap small fury woodland creatures for food. I've fucking had it. Every time I try to be someone there's always some nifty social mechanism to keep me from it. I'm just not going to participate anymore. I've given up on a world that doesn't want a fucking thing to do with me.

So people have joked with me before having some kind of autism or shit like that. Yeah, sure why not. I have a shitload of the symptoms of asperger's syndrome, high functioning autism, or PDD-NOS but.

People make jokes all of the facts I know. I think the disorder most people have is not caring enough about the world around them to take in trivial bits of information and not caring their fellow human beings.

Fuck it.